Original post 2/25/08
July 2007, friends invited us to join them for a week’s vacation in the Berkshires. We had a wonderful time, but I was bothered by a sore left shoulder, especially at night. I could not lie on it, & of course I prefer to sleep on my left side. I couldn’t think of anything I had done to cause this type of pain. It even hurt when I moved it to change clothes. What a mystery. One morning while showering, I decided to poke around to see if I could find the source of the pain I was experiencing. To my surprise, I discovered a small lump deep in my arm pit. How weird is that? A small lump in my arm pit was making my shoulder sore. Was it some mild infection that would clear up in a few days? I told Ed what I discovered, & we decided I would call my doctor to ask about it if the pain & the lump did not go away by the following week. The pain went away, & I totally forgot about it.
In mid-September the shoulder pain returned. I checked my left arm pit & realized that the lump was now a superficial bump. I did not have to probe to find it. I went to the bathroom, stood in front of the mirror, raised my left arm, with my body at a slight twist to the left & could see a slight, round bulge that was about an inch in diameter. Now what? Call the doctor! I told Ed the lump I felt in July had not gone away but had actually grown & was again causing pain. He too was quite concerned!
Dr. Pam says it might be one of several minor ailments or, worst case scenario, lymphoma. She orders a battery of blood tests. I can’t even remember how many tubes of blood are drawn; I just remember there are a lot! From a physical exam, every lymph node she can feel, from my neck to my pelvis, seems to be somewhat enlarged; so, she orders a chest x-ray. The x-ray shows that the lymph nodes in the center of my chest are also somewhat enlarged. She says that she always proceeds from the most pessimistic possibility in hopes that she is proven to be wrong. The next step is to schedule a CT scan to look at the lymph nodes under my arms, in my chest & pelvis more closely. By the time the results of the scan & blood work are known enough time will elapse to know if the precautionary antibiotic makes any difference. If we don’t get answers from these sources & the lymph node is still enlarged, she will then send me to a surgeon to have it biopsied.
The possible prognosis of lymphoma does not really sink in until after I leave the office. When it does, it hits me like a ton of bricks! If I had any idea this is the type of news I was going to hear I would not have gone by myself. I call my husband & tell him what the possibilities are. I don’t want him to think I am falling apart; I try to be very positive & to downplay the possibility of lymphoma. We call our children to let them know what is going on, so they will be aware of the situation & so they will pray for us. Of course, they are stunned by the possibility of lymphoma.
As Ed & I wait, for weeks, for results, we cling to each other; we do a lot of talking, a lot of embracing, a lot of praying together. We spend as much time together as possible. Our priorities quickly shift. When I am by myself I try to go about my responsibilities, but my thoughts are distracted & keep drifting from prioritizing my day & my week, to planning what I want to do when my health is good enough to allow me to do special projects that I want to do for Ed & each of the kids before I die, to planning my funeral. I know it’s morbid, but I’m being honest. My mind is convinced that I'll be gone inside of a year. Why? I don't know. It's probably because of my preconceived notions about cancer. The "C" word evokes unpleasant memories of friends & loved ones as they struggled through the final stages of the disease; we watch & wonder if their suffering is due to the treatment, the disease or the combination of the 2. It’s sad & heartbreaking!! I don’t want to think of myself as the person going through such an ordeal. I’ve prayed, for years, that God would protect me from having cancer. I was sure I was safe. Even my prayers now include asking God for enough time to complete my special projects I want to leave behind, as symbols of my love, for my family. I want to live to travel with my husband when he retires; I want to see my grandson go to school, graduate from high school & college & get married; I want the same for my granddaughter, who is due April 2008. You think about these things when you are faced with the possibility of having a life-threatening illness. It sharpens your awareness of many things.
I research lymphoma on the Internet. When I discover there are 2 families of lymphoma, I make a deal with God. I ask Him, “If I do have lymphoma, can I have one from this family that has a longer life expectancy?” What am I doing? If I have lymphoma, the type is already decided; there is no changing it (Psalm 139: 16). I ask some friends to keep me in their prayers & also called our church prayer chain to have my name added.
I tell friends what I may be facing. They tell me they know I am a strong person & I will get through it like I did when I was in the auto accident. Don’t they understand? In 1999, I was in a near fatal car accident. All that I’ve regained & accomplished has only been possible because of God’s grace. Yes, I worked very hard, but I could not have done it unless God made it possible. It was not my strength they saw; it was the strength I drew from God (I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me – I am ready for anything & equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into me, [that is, I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency]. (Amplified Bible Philippians 4:13).
During the fall of 2007, I taught two math courses at Penn College, in Williamsport. I remember many times walking into class wondering how I am going to pull myself together to teach this class. My hands are shaking & my knees were wobbly. I breathe a prayer as I set up the classroom; then I open my mouth & begin the lesson. Each time God helped me push the distracting thoughts aside long enough to complete the lesson.
As you can see, I was struggling with anxiety as we worked through the process of eliminating possibilities, while handling my regular responsibilities. Due to a brain injury, from an auto accident in 1999, the number of stimuli my brain can handle at one time is very limited. Even crowded stores or very busy highways are often too much for my brain. I avoid them at all costs. There are times that I begin to visibly shake & cannot stop for 15 minutes to half an hour. With one medication I am able to control some of the daytime anxiety; with another, I am able to sleep at night. I remember a time when I would have been too proud to take such medications; or, if I did, I would not admit it to anyone. Today, I realize that I sometimes need such help so that I am to function & to think rationally.
Contemporary Christian music also soothes my soul, & I listen to it as often as possible. The melody of the music calms me psychologically, & the lyrics remind me of Scripture & God’s promises. Prayer is also very effective in reducing the frequency & severity of the anxiety so that I take fewer anxiety pills as we progress through the process. With the proper combination of these three, my quality of life is much improved!
Results of the blood work come back first. Nothing is abnormal.
The 10 days of the antibiotic elapse. No change in the lymph node.
The results of the CT scan come back. The lymph nodes in the mediastinum are somewhat enlarged, & there are 2 small nodules on the lungs, but all are under 1 centimeter. The recommendation is to have them rechecked in 6 months.
It is now November. Although the pain is gone, the lymph node is still enlarged. Off to the surgeon for a biopsy. Despite the fact that I have a superficial swelling, the surgeon has a difficult time finding the actual “lump,” because it is so deep against my chest wall. Based on the information he is given, he says, in his opinion, there is less than a 10% chance that the lymph node is malignant. Based on the other test results & the fact that I understand cancerous tumors generally do not cause pain, I am now reasonably sure he is correct.
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