Original post 3/7/08
I spent two months of struggling with anxiety over the possibility of having a life-threatening disease. It was understandable that this possibility caused Ed to re-live his worst nightmare – almost losing me in an auto accident, in 1999. He received a phone call from the hospital chaplain to inform him that I was being treated in the emergency room at Geisinger Hospital. The closest he came to finding out my condition was the response to his question, “Should I contact the family?” When she said, “Yes,” he knew how serious my condition was. When he was finally permitted to see me, after several long hours, I was still in an unresponsive state, & he could only recognize me by my wedding rings.
My life-threatening injuries were quite severe & very extensive. Although it was 4 days before the doctors determined that I was going to live, God assured Ed, as he prayed for me in the hospital prayer chapel, as I was undergoing surgery the night of the accident, that I was going to make it. Even when the doctors determined that I would make it, they were not sure that I would ever walk again, if my short-term memory would return, or if I would ever be able to carry on a conversation in full sentences. As you can see, I’ve done all of that & more. Praise God!
In light of overcoming so much when the odds were against me, everyone around me thought I was the one who was so strong to get through it all. Even Ed saw it that way, in many respects. However, you must know that I only know about most of this as secondhand information. I am as amazed as anyone at what God did for me! I wasn’t aware of it when my life was in danger. I only have very short snippets of memories (positive ones, of specific visitors & specific events) from the first 3 weeks in the hospital. I don’t remember not having my short-term memory. I never heard, or don’t remember hearing, the doctors say that I probably wouldn’t be able to carry on conversations in full sentences or that I probably wouldn’t be able to walk again. I only ever assumed that I would recover back to “normal” again. Sometimes ignorance is bliss & a blessing!
Although Ed & the kids are facing, for a 2nd time, the possibility of losing me, I am facing my mortality for the 1st time. I am not afraid to die; I know where I am going when I do. As I explained earlier, there are a lot of things that I want to see & do yet, before I leave this earth. As I was recovering from my auto accident, I ask God why He spared my life, & He told me because He is not finished with me yet. I found myself pleadingly asking, “You did say you aren’t finished with me yet, didn’t you, God?” I feel that it is vitally important that I fulfill my God-given purpose in life.
After my auto accident my faith & prayers were more open, simple & childlike. Prayers were more often conversations, two-way conversations. And they continue to be two-way conversations at critical points in time. God says a lot in a few words; sometimes He points me to a verse or portion of Scripture. If He does not speak Scripture, I look to confirm what I hear with Scripture.
As I said in chapter 2, I discovered ways to find relief from the anxiety I was experiencing, but I really needed to find was peace deep in my soul. God gave me that “peace that transcends understanding” – the kind referred to in Philippians 4:4–7 – the Friday morning I went to get the results of the lymph node biopsy.
Ed has to go to the college before we got to the appointment. When he comes home, I am singing along with a praise & worship CD as I am getting ready. He was quite surprised to find me calm & singing! I tell him that the music helps me to keep my focus on the fact that God is in control. The results are what they are; I can’t change them. I explain what happened as I was getting ready: As I brush my teeth, I sense God telling me that the biopsy is malignant. I gulp hard, but before I can form my next thought, He adds, “but it’s not a death sentence.” Each time my mind tries to form another negative “but . . . God” thought, He repeats, “it’s not a death sentence.” After about 3 times I get the message & thank Him! WOW! A sense of peace washes over me that I cannot describe.
We meet the surgeon. The look on his face, the hesitation in his voice & the difficulty in making eye contact is enough to let us know what he is about to tell us. The lymph node is a little over 2 centimeters & it is malignant. However, the pathologist assured the surgeon that it is not lymphoma. Because it is not lymphoma, it came from somewhere else. Instead she says it is either breast or lung cancer that has spread to this lymph node & perhaps others. What? I’ve never had an irregular mammogram & the CT scan, in September, did not seem to indicate anything of consequence.
I am prepared for the diagnosis of malignancy, but it still shakes me. The doctor gives us some time alone to cry together. The surgeon has already ordered the films from my last mammogram, 11 months earlier. I am sent for a digital mammogram & told to return after lunch to discuss the results.
The digital mammogram shows 3 calcium deposits, which can be harmless & very natural. An ultrasound of that area is done. Then another mammogram of the area of the calcifications is done to zoom in, to enlarge that smaller area. I have no detectable lumps, no discernable shadows around the calcifications, nothing suspicious except the malignant lymph node. The surgeon says there is a 50/50 chance the calcifications are malignant. He recommends that I have a biopsy of the calcifications, which I do early the next week. You already guessed the outcome. The 2 centimeter biopsy is malignant, & they do not get clean margins – meaning they do not get all of the cancer.
Over the weekend, we do a lot of talking & praying. I tell Ed about my experience as I brushed my teeth before we went to the appointment. Because the experience is mine, I can share the story but cannot give him my sense of peace. However, I am still on the lookout for Scriptural confirmation.
As a part of the sermon Sunday morning Pastor Arlie shows a video testimony. The woman uses Psalm 18:19 as her anchor verse. I turn to it in my Bible. (I always have a marker in Psalm 18 as it is my anchor chapter in my testimony with regard to my accident in 1999. Read the following for some insight: Psalm 18:1-6, 16-19, 30-36.) I back up to verse 16 and read through verse 19. As I do, I noticed that I have a cross-reference written above verse 19. I turn to Psalm 91:14–16. I notice that I have underlined each time it states “I will” in the entire chapter. God is not wishy-washy He is definite! We can depend on Him; He keeps his Word! When I get to verse 16 the words “with long life” could have leapt off of the page! I hand my Bible to Ed & have him read the 2 passages, hoping they will have the same meaning for him as they do for me. These 2 passages, in Psalm 18 and Psalm 91, are the Scriptural confirmation that my diagnosis with cancer is not a death sentence. God is not done with me yet!
The challenge now is to rely on God moment-by-moment so that I do not allow anyone or anything to steal my peace as I face the uncertainties that lie ahead.
No comments:
Post a Comment