Dec. 5th, we are scheduled to meet with the medical & radiology oncologists. The night before, Ed reminds me that I have papers to fill out. It’s late when he reminds me, & I’m tired. Filling out papers with my medical history makes me cranky because it’s a reminder of all the recent bad stuff that I’ve gone through. To top it off, I have to fill out 2 sets, & the doctors are in the same office. That makes me crankier. I don’t know why they can’t just make a photo copy of one set. By the time I get through both sets I have them all jumbled up. I don’t know which papers are for which doctor.
As I stomp upstairs to go to bed, I have the urge to destroy a few things with a baseball bat, which is uncharacteristic for me! I get into bed; sock myself back into my pillows hard (How did I manage to not rap my head on the head board?); I yank the covers up to my chest & slam my fists down by my sides. Ed slowly asks, “Are – you – mad – at – me?” I quickly blurt out, “No. I’m mad at cancer! I just want to destroy some things with a baseball bat!” He tries, unsuccessfully to calm me down with some reasoning, but I’m not in the mood for it. It’s tearing me apart inside because I want & need love & understanding, but how could I expect to get it when I am SO ANGRY at this disease. I am my own worst enemy. I do remember listing a bunch of questions & saying that I know I shouldn’t be mad at God, but right now I’m wondering, “What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me? I don’t understand it.” By this time I’m crying. In my head, I’m telling God I’m sorry, I know this is wrong, but this is how I’m feeling. I’m sorry, but I’m angry! I’m angry at this disease! I know all the Bible verses, by heart, to quote to myself, but I don’t want to hear them. I’m getting my PhD (Pile it higher & deeper) in rebellion, as I piled on my offenses. I go on for some time. Finally Ed suggests that I take something to help me relax, so I can get some sleep & to be able to get up in time for our 8am appointment. He then puts his arm around me & prays for me. This helps to finally calm me down enough to get some sleep.
In the morning, I am still not in a good mood. We arrive at the doctors’ office. Ed has reshuffled the papers into the 2 stacks & hands them to me to hold on the drive to the office. When we arrive I know he thinks I should give them to the receptionist. I want to walk up to the window & throw them at her so that they will fly all over the floor in a mess, which I know is the wrong thing to do; so, I hand them to Ed – hint, hint. He does the wise thing & hands them to her & lets her know I am there. Thank you, God, for a patient & understanding husband!
A nurse calls my name & greets me in a very cheery tone. I force a smile, & Ed tells her that I am not having a good morning. (Of course, a conversation with a woman at our church, who is a cancer survivor flashes through my head. She told me that she saw every appointment & treatment as an opportunity to be a witness, because she wouldn’t have been there except for having cancer. I thought, “Oh, Patti, what a witness you are today. NOT!”) The nurse tries to cheer me up as she weighs me, draws blood & takes my picture. Can any woman relate to why this will not help to cheer me up? At one point, I make fun of myself in an attempt to pull myself out of the pit. It helps a little. When I meet Dr. Patel, Ed again explains that it is not a good morning for me. I come right out &, politely but bluntly, tell him that I am angry. He tells me that it is quite common for cancer patients to go through the stages of grief after learning they have cancer. It does not surprise him, in the least, that I am angry. I breathe a sigh of relief. As we talk, the anger dissipates. Thank you, God!
We are VERY impressed with Dr. Patel, the medical oncologist. He is able to explain things in very simple language. He keeps asking us questions to make sure we understand & asking if we have questions. We feel very comfortable asking questions. He also echoes the surgeon’s comment that it was backwards to learn that I have breast cancer by finding a malignant lymph node. He has already laid out a treatment plan for me that includes surgery followed by several sessions of chemotherapy, then several sessions of radiation & 5 years of hormonal therapy. However, before he will proceed with the plan, he wants me to have a P.E.T. scan done to check the lymph nodes in the center of my chest & the 2 nodules on my lungs. Even though they are less than 1 cm & he does not think they are malignant, he wants to be sure, rather than wait 6 months, as recommended by the radiologist who read the CT scan in Sept. We had planned to ask about this. Thank you, God.
Next, we meet with the radiology oncologist. These 2 appointments take 4 hours! We learn a lot more about cancer!
The next day Lisa has her 3rd ultra sound. Praise God! What was showing on the ultra sound a week ago is almost gone, when they do the ultra sound at UVA. The doctor also tells her & Dave that she does not have any of the symptoms that usually accompany the condition they were told their baby has. Based on the new ultra sound, he says he cannot give them 100% guarantee, but he feels very confident that their baby is just fine. Praise God! I call the prayer line at church to pass along the praise that baby Cassidy is OK.
Saturday night Ed & I went with Dave & Lisa to the Thomas Road Baptist Church’s 2007 Virginia Christmas Spectacular. It is exactly that – SPECTACULAR! It is more than just the performance. For me, the presence of God is very, very real. One part of the program is a mix of biblical accounts acted out & a narrator speaking to the audience. During one scene Jesus heals a woman who touches him from behind, & he calls her by name. The narrator then talks to the audience about Jesus calling us by name. I can’t recall all of the details because God is speaking to me at the time. He says, “Patti, I am the God that healeth thee, from the top of your head to the soles of your feet.” I am kind of dumbfounded. God repeats the same message. I say, “Thank you, God!” Shortly after that He says, “Cassidy is 100% whole, too.” Since, by that time, we are standing to sing, I reach over & grab Lisa & hug her & tell her what God had just told me about Cassidy. We both hug each other & cry tears of joy!
When we get to the car, I am like an over-excited child. I tell everyone to be quiet, I have something exciting to tell them; I share what God has told me. I explain when it was God said this & that he repeated it. I say, "God told me, 'Patti, I am the Lord that healeth thee, from the top of your head to the soles of your feet.' Now, I don’t think in King James English; so, I don’t think it was my own thought or that I made it up. I trust it was from God. ("I am the Lord that healeth thee" is the last phrase of Exodus 15:26 KJV.) They believe me, but they don't know exactly what to say. They are probably as awe struck as I am. We are at a Christmas production not a healing service. I think it’s Dave who asks if I have any idea when or how God is going to heal me. I say that I really don’t know exactly how or when He will heal me, but I believe He will, because God does not lie. I also believe this means He will heal me of my ulcerative colitis as well as the cancer, if He is going to heal me "from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.” WOW! God is AWESOME!
Of course, I have to share with Ed & Dave that God also told me that "Cassidy is 100% whole!" What a SPECTACULAR night!
I have a discussion about this later with Dave, who is a Liberty University seminary student. Based on what God impressed on me & what he investigated in biblical accounts of God's healing of believers, I’m not expecting a miraculous, instantaneous healing. I believe it will come over time. I expect God to lead me on a journey to the physical healing He intends to bring into my life. I need to be obedient to God's leading & to the instructions of my doctors. I believe a part of the healing will come through the wisdom God gives to my doctors, as they treat me. Another will be God's working through our prayers & the prayers of the people who pray for me. I am still in awe of & humbled by how many people regularly pray for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, if you are one of them & you are reading this! May God richly bless you & meet the needs of your life.
This picture was taken shortly after Cassidy's birth, 3:15pm, April 12, 2008. She is 100% whole, just as God promised!
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