Original post 3/26/08
The days between the Friday appointment, when we learned that the lymph node biopsy is malignant & the impending breast biopsy, Wed. Nov. 21, ‘07, are exhausting, as we recount the events of the Friday appointment to family & friends. I call the prayer line at our church, Christ Wesleyan, to request prayer & to inform them of my preliminary diagnosis. In the evening, Ed calls my brother Andy, my sister Jennifer, & his parents; he calls our 3 kids Steven, Lisa & Kristy. Everyone is surprised, somewhat shaken, concerned & has questions we cannot answer. The phone calls are emotionally exhausting for Ed, but I just can’t make the calls. I do talk to Andy, Jennifer & the kids briefly, after Ed shares the initial news, to assure them that I am OK.
God’s reassurance, before the appointment, that the diagnosis is not a death sentence is a great comfort to me, but I am not able to convey that same sense of peace to Ed. I can only pray that God will give Ed his own personal experience that will allow him to sense God’s peace. I could understand that if the tables were turned I would feel as he does. While I would believe him, I would still think, “I wish God would give me that same peace, and I hope he is right about this not being a death sentence.”
The kids all want to come home, but that is not possible for all of them. Steven, Kelly & Parker spend Saturday with us. It is therapeutic to enjoy spending quality family time together. Parker, an active two-and-a-half-year-old, who is oblivious to the situation, has a wonderful way of diverting one’s mind from a troubling situation.
Kelly is in the final phase of her course work & clinical training as a hospital laboratory technologist. She offers to answer questions, pose questions, define clinical terms, interpret lab reports & ask her supervisor for input on lab reports as needed. Her expertise & resources come in quite handy through out this journey!
Sunday morning, in church, I submit a prayer request slip to a greeter & mark that it can be shared publicly. At intercessory prayer time, Pastor Arlie shares that I have just been diagnosed with cancer & am undergoing a second biopsy in the coming week to determine the type & to hopefully determine the stage of the cancer.
The video testimony, which I described in the chapter 3 blog, occurred prior to this time; so, as I explained, I was reassured that my cancer was not a death sentence. The uncertainty, OK, I’ll tell the truth, the fear (not paralyzing fear, but fear, nonetheless) for me was the part in between the diagnosis & recovery. I have witnessed enough people going through chemo & radiation to know that it seems as though the doctors take them to the brink of death, in the process of killing the cancer, even when the person survives. It’s not a pleasant thought. Do I have breast or lung cancer? I don’t know how I can have either, given my test results.
I go to the front of the church at intercessory prayer time & sit on a prayer bench. My sister, Jennifer, sits beside me & Ed kneels in front of me. Jennifer & I lock forearms & clasp hands tightly, until we both have white knuckles. I have my other arm around Ed’s neck. It is probably more of a headlock than a hug, since I am hanging on so tightly. Pastor Arlie prays for me. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but I remember that he gave thanks to God for the many miracles He’s done on my behalf after my accident, in 1999, and he made mention of the miracles that astounded the doctors, because I recovered beyond what they ever thought possible. He also mentioned how God continued His work in my life as He helped me to attain a college degree, with honors, despite a brain injury. In saying these things, he’s suggesting that God’s plan for my life is not complete & asking God to again perform a miracle & heal me of this cancer.
When he finishes the prayer he moves to the next person, & my husband hands me some tissues. With tears still streaming down my face, I glance up to see a very large number of people surrounding us to pray with us. It is so humbling & overwhelming that I spent the remainder of the prayer time praying for those people. I thank God for their love, care & concern & asking God to meet the needs of their lives. It makes me ask, “Who am I that this many people would do this for me?” When prayer time ends, many of them hug me & tell me that they will be praying for me daily. I know they mean it & will do it!
Kristy calls me Sunday afternoon to tell me not to worry about Thanksgiving dinner. When I ask why, she says she will cook the meal for the family, if I will buy the food. Of course, I am pleasantly surprised by her loving offer! Although I still love to have the family together for holiday meals, it has become quite an interesting ordeal for me to plan & orchestrate, due to my brain injury. Given the current circumstances, Kristy is very intuitive to foresee the added stress I will be under to pull off a holiday meal successfully. Ed says he will order pies for dessert & help me do the shopping. Kristy says she will be home Wednesday night to begin preparations. Thanksgiving Day she apologizes for asking for my help, as she prepares the meal, when the meal was done, but I am glad to help. I tell her that fixing a holiday meal for 8 people is never a one-person show; I never do it all by myself.
Monday, we return to work. Of course our co-workers know of our appointment Friday. The barrage of questions all day long shows the extent of care & concern by our co-workers. This is very much appreciated, but it is emotionally draining to retell the story repeatedly, especially for Ed. We have a network of friends who are genuinely concerned & willing to help out in any way possible. It is actually easier for me to answer questions than it is for Ed, because God has given me such peace. I’m not shy about sharing the fact that God has told me this isn’t a death sentence. My goal is to be honest about why I am not a nervous wreck, & to let them know that it is not an act. I am honest about the fact that I am apprehensive about treatment, but certain that I will get through it. I’m sure several people thought I was a little strange, but they are willing to go along with it if it makes me feel OK with the diagnosis.
All the love, care & support we receive from our family, our church family & our network of friends at the college is a great comfort & a wonderful blessing in our lives! We have commented numerous times that we can literally feel the prayers sustaining us & holding us up at times when circumstances are pushing us down & closing in on us. Praise God!
Since we believe in praying for specifics & that there is more power when more people are believing & asking God for the same thing(s), we try to let people who are praying for us know our specific needs & prayer concerns. When God answers our specific prayers, we let these same people know that God has met our need or answered our concerns. A long time ago I ask myself, “If I don’t pray specific prayers, how will I ever know if God answers my prayers?”
Friday, after the biopsy, we call to ask for the results & learn that it is malignant. I have breast cancer. Soon after that call, the Center for Breast Health calls me, & asks me to stop by to pick up a packet of materials on breast cancer that Ed & I should read prior to our appointment with the surgeon Friday after Thanksgiving. We are told that we are welcome to bring any of our children & that we should write down any questions we have. The nurse highlighted information that pertains to the specific type of cancer I have (ductal, invasive ductal carcinoma) & the other important information for us to read.
We learn a lot about cancer. It is so overwhelming to read, because it is now personal. Because I am an avid reader, it is quite unusual that I read only what I have to read. Ed & Lisa also read through the info. Lisa becomes so intrigued by the info. that she conducts an Internet search of some topics. She & Ed make a list of questions for the appointment. Ed, Lisa & her husband, Dave, & I go to the appointment. We continue to learn more about my cancer & breast cancer in general. One of the questions we ask is whether or not the surgeon can tell us the stage of my cancer. He cannot because the breast biopsy is 2 centimeters, but he did not get clean margins, & he does not know if the lymph node removed is the only lymph node that is malignant. We are told that the oncologist will answer that question.
This process that is already, as far as we were concerned, taking too long, is now stretching out further & further! Based on what we learn, in the literature & from the surgeon, about the average rate at which cancer cells double, this is making our family (3 math teachers & a mechanical engineer) VERY uncomfortable! We thought surgery would be scheduled at this appointment, but we are wrong.
I thought my mind was on overload as I contemplated the possibility of having lymphoma, but it seems so mild compared to the deluge of information, literature, advice & stories I am told, when I learn & inform others of my diagnosis. It is MUCH easier with my supportive husband, family, church family, friends, & network of co-workers. Thank you God for loving me & blessing my life with these wonderful people!
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