Original post 5/2/08
Ed arrived home before me, after my Thursday appointment, and wondered why I wasn’t home yet. He called my cell phone & found that I was almost home.
Since he knows me better than anyone else, he is expecting me to be very upset. He thinks I am “amazingly calm.” Again, I give the credit to God’s “peace that transcends understanding.” I'm not in denial; I know the facts, but I also know what God promised & that he does not lie. However, I readily welcome Ed’s reassuring embrace! I tell him that I am planning on being around for a long time, since God has told me that this is not a death sentence.
Ed & I go over the notes from the appointment. Jennifer did such a good job of taking notes & asking clarifying questions that I am able to use her notes to explain everything to him.
This diagnosis set up a domino effect. Several other things need to happen & happen very fast, if we are going to follow Dr. Patel’s new plan & begin chemotherapy the 1st week of January! We have so many things to take care of that it is a good thing that the semester has ended at the college!
We talk about the 2nd opinion appointment, at Geisinger. It needs to be rescheduled for an earlier date & with an oncologist, not a surgeon; so, I call the office of the surgeon. The nurse or receptionist who answers was very understanding & helpful. She calls oncology for me, makes the appointment, & calls me back within 15 minutes, with an appointment, with an oncologist, Monday Dec. 24th. She then tells me she will immediately forward all of the medical records she has already received & call the hospital that did my PET scan to ask to have it sent by FedEx to the oncologist. (Wow! Thank you God for having this woman answer my call!) Not long after that call, I receive another call, telling me I can pick up a CD & the written report of the PET scan, by noon Saturday, to take with us Monday. I can’t believe how quickly this all happens! Thank you God!
Although we are very comfortable in working with Dr. Patel, we have been urged, by numerous people, to get a 2nd opinion. We think it will be wise to heed their advice. We are only beginning to learn about cancer & available treatment options. The individuals most persistent about our seeking a 2nd opinion are those who work in the medical field, who have dealt with cancer or both.
We also need to put an appointment with Dr. Powers on our ASAP list. Dr. Powers is a full–time radiology oncologist; Wednesdays he runs the Powers Clinic to treat patients with alternative medicine – primarily nutrition & nutritional supplements, rather than additional drugs & chemicals. He is the doctor Dr. Pam told me could help me to strengthen my immune system & help me to tolerate chemotherapy better, without interfering with the effectiveness of my treatment. I am especially concerned about chemotherapy, because I have ulcerative colitis, which we are sure will be a complication, if I am to undergo chemotherapy.
Ed contacts his office. He is told that I need to fill out several medical history & information forms & sign consent forms so that Dr. Powers can access my medical records. Upon receiving my completed paperwork, it will be 3 weeks before his office will contact me to schedule an appointment at the Powers Clinic. If I am to start chemotherapy the 1st week of January, we need to get on this right away! The receptionist emails the forms to me so I can begin filling them out immediately. I can drop them off at the office Dec. 26th.
I remember making a remark to Ed about the fact that I am still baffled by the fact that I have gone every year for a mammogram & have taken care of myself so that I thought my risk of developing breast cancer was low. In the past few years, after the kids were on their own, I have become more lax about my diet & exercise, but the cancer did not develop in just the past few years. Growing up, I was always very active & ate a reasonably healthy diet. In 1981, I started learning about nutrition & supplements & made major changes to our family’s diet. I even taught aerobics & included some instruction on nutrition as a part of the class. Some would have called me a health nut.
When I had my yearly mammograms, as I waited for the x-ray technician, I read the check list on the wall & reassured myself that my risk for breast cancer is low. Now, here I am with stage IV metastasized breast cancer, & I never had a detectable breast lump or even a shadow on an x-ray. I just don’t understand it. It is even more amazing to think that this was silently going on inside my body for 8–10 years!
I have to stop this train of thought. I cannot do anything change my current diagnosis. Looking backwards is counterproductive. Looking forward is my only choice. I’m sure God has a plan & purpose in all of this. He could have stopped the cancer or revealed it sooner, but He’s chosen to allow it to continue, undetected, until now. I trust He will provide for my needs, as I travel this journey.
We, of course, talk about our mortality. After my auto accident, in 1999, I was very aware of the fact that every day is a gift! We know that no one is guaranteed tomorrow, & neither of us wants to live alone without the other.
We talk, in generalities, about “couples with one spouse who has a terminal disease.” This is a safe way to make sure we are on the same page in our thinking. It’s also a safe way to say, “What if I’m wrong about beating the cancer & living a long time; what would I want to do?” I know the possibility exists that I could be wrong, & I know that I do not know God’s definition of “long” life, for me specifically. I take it literally. I trust God, & I trust that He spoke to me in a way that I recognized His voice as His voice. I think if His meaning was different than the way I took it, He would adjust my thinking.
Ed & I had already talked about travelling more & have scheduled some vacations for the coming year. We briefly discuss a few more destinations we might schedule, which we have been putting off. I am hesitant to schedule any more vacations until I know the chemotherapy schedule. Because my cancer was now classified as stage IV, I was just guessing that I might have to go through more cycles than when we thought that I was either stage I or II & would have chemotherapy after surgery.
As we talk, I am so aware of just why I love Ed & why I married him. He is so thoughtful & caring. He is very sensitive & puts my needs & desires ahead of his own. Thank you God, for this wonderful man!
The kids are coming home for Christmas, but we can’t wait until they come home to tell them about this diagnosis. This is the most difficult round of calls to make & for them to get. I think they are more shocked, as we were, by the diagnosis of metastasized, stage IV breast cancer than by the original diagnosis of breast cancer. We answer as many of their questions as we can & invite them to go with us to the doctors’ appointments next week.
We are glad that we will be together, as a family, for a longer period of time, over Christmas. If they are unable to go with us, they can still contribute to our list of questions to ask when we meet with each of the doctors.
All of this is exhausting! We are so looking forward to relaxing & spending quality time with the kids!
Lisa & Dave came home Friday night & brought me a thoughtful gift book titled What Cancer Cannot Do. It is a small book packed with a ton of encouragement. It was written by a woman who has had 3 types of cancer & recurrences. It has 3 or 4, two-page readings under the following 10 headings:
Cancer is so limited it cannot: cripple God’s love; shatter hope; corrode faith; destroy peace; kill friendship; shut out memories; silence courage; invade the soul; steal eternal life; or conquer the spirit.
I picked it up & read it as often as I can, so that I finish it in 2 days. I think there should be several copies of it in every oncologist’s waiting room. (It’s also a good gift idea for anyone you know with cancer. If you have cancer buy one for yourself.)
With all that was going on over the past few months, I never went shopping on my own; therefore, I had not bought Ed any Christmas gifts. When the mall is really crowded I need to go with someone; I really dislike going alone (It’s a brain injury thing)! Adding last-minute time pressure to the crowds only increased my anxiety. Over the weekend, Kristy, Lisa & Dave took me shopping, & they were a tremendous help!
Kristy also offers to cook Christmas dinner for all of us.
Steven calls on Sunday to let us know that he & Kelly want to go with us to the 2nd opinion appointment Monday morning. Dave & Lisa say they will watch Parker.
The dominos are beginning to line up!
We look forward to Christmas, & we look forward to next week’s appointments, when we can get more questions answered. Getting treatment started as soon as possible is important to us, but I am very concerned about how my body will handle chemotherapy.
Several weeks earlier, we had decided that I would not teach in the spring semester. It was hard to agree to take the semester off, but I knew it was the right thing to do. It is foolish to think that I can teach while undergoing chemotherapy! We are also hoping chemotherapy will not increase the intensity of my migraines. Instead, we hope the reduced stress of not teaching will decrease the number & severity of my migraines. (At this point in time, it is a rare day that I awake without a migraine.) I think about the free time I will have between treatments as a gift from God. I prayed that the length of time I feel well will be long enough that I can complete some projects that I have put off because I did not have the time to do them while I was teaching. With a granddaughter on the way, I am hoping the timing of my treatments will be such that I will be able to go to Lisa’s, prior to her due date, & stay to help out for at least the 1st week after Cassidy’s birth. I am also hoping I will be able to spend some more time with my grandson, Parker. In addition to these things, I have special projects I want to complete for each of the kids that will create lasting memories. Giving up teaching to be sick doesn’t sound so great, but trading it to spend time with my family & doing special things for them is a really sweet trade-off! I just have to trust God to minimize the sick part so I can maximize the family part.
I have so much to be thankful for. Praise God for my wonderful family!
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